MemphisCounselor

Two women sit at a table in a restaurant.  One begins telling a story about her 17-year-old granddaughter who has gotten pregnant.  She concludes the tale by stating, “It’s just so sad.”  Her lunch companion replies that it may be just what she needs in order to settle down and mature, and this may be the best thing that ever happened to her.  The first lady responds, “How can you say that?  It’s horrible that she has gotten pregnant and ruined her chances to go to college, have those years of freedom, get a good education, and start her career.”  Her companion replies, “Lots of women have children and go on to have successful lives and be successful mothers, whether they later go to school or not.”  Both participants drop the conversation as one falling into the realm of religion and politics, both a little distressed with the other for not being able to see such an obvious point.

What’s wrong with this picture?

It might be tempting to answer that question by picking a side in the argument, which would leave us in the same stalemate they find themselves in.   More helpful would be to see that the first lady is treating her opinions as facts, and then arguing about them.  The statement, “It is so sad”, would be more accurately stated, “I think it is so sad”, or even better, “I feel so sad when I think about what the repercussions might be.”  By stating that “it is so sad”, the first woman confuses her thoughts and feelings with reality . . . a reality in this case which is in the future and unknowable.  The second lady attempts to offer some alternative outcomes that might not be so distressful, but because the first has fused her thoughts/feelings with facts, she cannot, or will not, see the alternative interpretations.

Opinions come from our own experiences.  It is probable that the first woman has had her own experiences relative to teen pregnancy or has absorbed beliefs about it from someone else.  We have a clue that her experience is very personal though, because it is likely that her thought distortion is caused by the degree of her emotional upset.  As we become upset, the emotional part of our brain actually reduces our ability to think rationally. 

For people who have emotional regulation problems, as often happens to victims of long-lasting neglect or abuse, this fusion of thoughts/feelings with reality can become so extreme that their memory of facts does not match what actually happened.  For example, two months from now if lady A becomes upset with lady B, she may blurt out, “that’s just like the time that you told me it was a good thing my granddaughter got pregnant!” 

Saying “it’s so sad” is the kind of comment we all make.  It is generally understood that we mean “I think it is sad”, just as when we say, “that was a good movie”, we’re really saying that we enjoyed the movie, not that it is a great piece of film-making by all objective standards.  However, when we find ourselves defending our position, it is important to remember to do reality testing, and to separate opinion/thoughts/feelings from provable fact.  This practice of noticing our thoughts and feelings and taking them for what they are, versus what they say they are (reality), can go a long way to decreasing our own stress, as well as stressful interactions in our relationships.