Archive for the ‘Parenting’ Category
Self-esteem, Guilt, and Shame
Self-esteem is a much misused word. People talk of building up their children’s self-esteem through praise, etc. Self-esteem is feeling good about who you are at your core, regardless of accomplishments, possessions, looks, etc. All of those things are the false self. Self-esteem has to do with your core Self. One’s self-esteem may be aided in some ways through positive reinforcement, but primarily it comes from having been loved unconditionally; accepted for what one is, warts and all.
Seeing it this way, it becomes clear that shame and guilt are attacks on the false self. Without a false self, we cannot be shamed or made to feel guilty any longer than it takes to learn a lesson. Shame and guilt come from measuring ourselves against the standards of others. Self-esteem lets us live by our own values and standards; subject to change as we grow and learn.
Positive reinforcement is critical for children, especially in teaching them appropriate behavior. However, it is no substitute for unconditional love. Likewise, there is no substitute for unconditionally loving yourself; taking care of yourself; knowing that you are fallible and being ok with that; learning from your mistakes, but refusing to take on shame and guilt.
Building your own self-esteem is also like an innoculation against manipulation. Society controls us through coercion (law and threat of punishment) and shame/guilt. The more you learn to trust yourself, the less you can be manipulated.
And self-esteem is not the same as selfishness. This is sometimes misused by people posing as religious in order to manipulate us. Selfishness means caring only for yourself. Self-esteem is caring also for yourself.
