MemphisCounselor

Problems with emotional regulation are at the core of problems associated with complex post traumatic stress disorder (cPTSD).  This is the main symptom that differentiates these sufferers from those with PTSD.  The former have typically suffered long-lasting or multiple traumas.

Another cause of emotional dysregulation is the combination of a sensitive temperament combined with an invalidating environment during childhood.  The genetic part is just a predisposition. With caregivers that allow for the sensitivity of the child and who validate the child’s thoughts and feelings, emotional regulation will develop normally.  Without this healthy environment, emotional dysregulation (the inability to regulate ones own emotions) can occur.

Often this unhealthy environment produces a great amount of shame in the child.  Shame is defined as feeling bad about who we are, not what we have done (guilt).  Overwhelming shame is at the core of much distress and mental illness.

Part of the healing of shame is to understand its origins and to reconsider the shaming messages that were given to us at a young age.  This attacks the logical part, but is not nearly enough because the shame is a felt sense; an emotion that occurs well before conscious thought kicks in.  Typically, the person will avoid situations that are likely to trigger the shameful feelings.  At times, this may be a smart move, but a pattern of avoidance will result in the shame never healing and perhaps growing.  The avoidance of shame constrains the sufferer’s life and can lead to an overall sense of worthlessness.

Shame and avoidance of it also results in what is known as a shame spiral.  With alcoholics, the spiral starts with some trigger that causes the person to feel shame.  So they drink to feel better.  On sobering up, they feel ashamed for drinking again, and the spiral continues.  This same spiral can be seen with other avoidance behaviors including overeating, blaming, aggressive behavior, etc.

Shame plays a particularly insidious role in preventing its own healing in therapy.   Effective therapy involves confronting our painful past and our vulnerable present.  Doing so often triggers shameful feelings originating in our past.  To avoid these negative feelings, many people do not come to therapy and others drop out.  Because the shameful feeling is so painful, the person cannot begin to address it with their therapist.  If the person is courageous enough to come to therapy and stick it out, he will be asked to be willing to feel the shame, to explore it and learn that it is not as scary as it says it is.  To break it down into its component sensations.  To recognize its urge to action.  The thoughts that go with it will be recognized as just thoughts, not facts.  The client will often fall back on the defense (avoidant behavior) of choice, creating barriers to healing.  The result can be frustrating for the client and the therapist.   The therapist’s job is to continually bring the client back to having (vs. buying into) the thoughts and having the feelings (vs. buying into their scary message).   The client will be asked to be willing to have these thoughts and feelings in order to remove the constraints from her life and to move her life in valued directions.

For some, this question may seem ridiculous. For others, it may be the most fundamental question of all.

For children who were loved and valued without condition, having worth is as natural as breathing.  These children learn that it is ok to be themselves.

For children who were shown love and value only when they behaved a certain way, worth is tied to behavior or doing.  These children learn that they are ok when they please the powerful people around them.

Article I of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights states, in part: “All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights.”

In the Christian tradition, we are either inherently worthy because we are made in God’s image or we are inherently bad, but capable of being made worthy through God’s grace.

In therapy, we like to ask clients, “What is the worth of a baby?” or “What is the worth of your pet?” Clients often can define the worth of these as beyond measure, but consider themselves worthless. This implies that it is something inherent in the thing that makes it worthwhile, but the truth is that it is in the value of the observer only. Dogs and babies are never ugly to their owners/mothers.

Do we measure worth by ability, contribution, achievement, productivity, or even potential? Obviously, in our society, we try to do that.

But if worth is based on something you DO, what if nobody notices?

Our pet meets none of the above criteria. Our pet gains our love by being cute at first, and then retains it because of the love they give us in return. It becomes a positive spiral; a mutual relationship of caring.

So the observer of worth measures worth with a somewhat selfish eye – what is that person/thing worth to me? When your boss defines your performance in a performance review, she is measuring your worth, but only in one context and from her perspective. Another boss in the same job would definitely give you a different review, because the review depends on the values of the reviewer, no matter how objective we try to make the criteria.

We see this in the example of the parents whose love is conditioned on certain behavior of the child.  The child’s behavior must meet the parent’s needs to be a good-enough parent in the eyes of others, to not be embarassed in public, and so forth.  Of course, the parent behaves in this way because their own worth is based on what others think . . . so the problem is passed from generation to generation.

Worth is a cultural creation; the concept itself is a creation of society. In some cultures, people who hear voices others do not hear are labeled Shaman and revered. In ours, they are labled Schizophrenic and medicated. Their worth is great in the former culture and nothing in the latter.

The very concept of trying to determine the worth of a human is dangerous. It underlies racism, eugenics, and genocide; the very behaviors by which we define Evil.

The very concept is also oxymoronic in that it implies an omniscient knowledge of worth and a simplistic willingness to reduce the complexity of a human being to one of two values.

So to attempt to define our worth by the opinions of others is a fool’s errand. Yet to say we have inherent worth feels wrong for many of us. That is because we have been taught, from the beginning, to value our doing and not our being.  This is a product of our parenting, but also of  western culture; especially American culture.

An alternative explanation, one of many possibilities, would be to say that everyone has a worthy core; thus the easy-to-swallow idea that all babies are worthy.  However, through the process of life, we take on beliefs and behaviors that help us cope with the travails of living, and these make up the person that the world sees and judges.  Sometimes these shells are ugly and troublesome, but they have gotten us through, so we hang onto them.  But they are NOT who we are at our core.  Those who see through the shell, know who we really are, sometimes better than we do ourselves. 

Our challenge is not to live up to the universal declaration that we have dignity and worth; there is nothing to be done.  We simply need to recognize this truth, treat ourselves as if it is true; and then treat others likewise.  We need to experiment with dropping our false layers, so that we can experience our true selves.  We have to re-parent ourselves by honoring that true part and placing ourselves around others who will honor our Self, weeding from our lives those who can only accept our false parts.

We particularly need to break the intergenerational cycle; by treating our children as lovable, accepted, and cared for;  just as they are.

Beliefs are choices, sometimes conscious, but often unconscious.  For those of us who struggle with worth, a conscious choice must be made.  Will we buy into the beliefs of America, or Marketing, or Religion, or our boss, or our spouse, or our friend; with all the contradictions, dangers, and mixed motives described above; or will we choose to believe in the inherent worth of all humans, including ourselves? 

Might we even extend that belief to all living things?

Self-esteem is a much misused word.  People talk of building up their children’s self-esteem through praise, etc.  Self-esteem is feeling good about who you are at your core, regardless of accomplishments, possessions, looks, etc.  All of those things are the false self.  Self-esteem has to do with your core Self.  One’s self-esteem may be aided in some ways through positive reinforcement, but primarily it comes from having been loved unconditionally; accepted for what one is, warts and all.

Seeing it this way, it becomes clear that shame and guilt are attacks on the false self.  Without a false self, we cannot be shamed or made to feel guilty any longer than it takes to learn a lesson.  Shame and guilt come from measuring ourselves against the standards of others.  Self-esteem lets us live by our own values and standards; subject to change as we grow and learn.

Positive reinforcement is critical for children, especially in teaching them appropriate behavior.  However, it is no substitute for unconditional love.  Likewise, there is no substitute for unconditionally loving yourself; taking care of yourself; knowing that you are fallible and being ok with that; learning from your mistakes, but refusing to take on shame and guilt.

Building your own self-esteem is also like an innoculation against manipulation.  Society controls us through coercion (law and threat of punishment) and shame/guilt.  The more you learn to trust yourself, the less you can be manipulated.

And self-esteem is not the same as selfishness.  This is sometimes misused by people posing as religious in order to manipulate us.  Selfishness means caring only for yourself.  Self-esteem is caring also for yourself.